Wanting

I wonder what it is like to never want. I don't mean the kind of not wanting that comes from being wealthy.  That kind of not wanting stems only from the ability to gain everything because of the high level of money avaliable. While that would be nice at times, I think that that you be over rated. Things would not have the same meaning if they were not worked for.... oh dear lord I'm starting to sound like my father....

But no, wealth is not what I am talking about.

To never want. To never have a single thing that you want. To be perfectly happy with absolutly nothing. To live with no material affects, no desire for them, no need for people, no need for company....

No need for anything.

It sounds like such an uncomplicated and stressless existance.

Always Waiting

I don't think my soul has ever lived this long before - it is like it is waiting for the other shoe to drop.

It is not particularly comfortable.

Hold Me??

It is funny how somedays the smallest of things - like the death of a couple of gold fish - can set you down a dark road.

I find myself dying, ever so slowly, for want of touch. Dying like the gold fish.

My family is not a huggy family - they never have been - hell lets face facts here, we rarely say anything of consequence to each other let alone hug. All the guys I have ever been with will touch as far as sex goes but they either leave or roll away to sleep. And even they have been few and far between of late.

Clearly there is something wrong with me.

And that thing that is wrong is causing me to die by slow degrees. I can feel myself shutting down bit by bit, Becoming closed and cold. I hate it but i don't know how to stop it. Beyond touch.

Circumstances don't help. I can't find a job, there are expectations that everybody has and every man and their dog just has to throw in their 2 cents worth on the matter. Its bad enough that I am stuggling to hold onto my previously endless optimism but to have everyone around me critique and judge and offer their 'advice'...  its all starting to grate.

Then there are the engagment announcments and the babies being born and everyone around me wallowing in their happiness and new jobs and careers and families... and the others that are consumed with their own problems and want either a sympathetic ear or a quick fix solution with no never mind to others around...

All I want is someone to hold me and tell me that everything will be okay.

Standing Still

I feel like I am trapt, standing stationary as the world moves all around me. But I don't know how to find my feet again.

The Meaning of Life

It is the oldest quest of them all; the search for the meaning of life. Why are we here, who or what put us here....

There are so many different faiths, so many religions and superstitions, so much history. I know there has to be more to this life, to this world than we are willing to believe. Voodoo, Hoodoo, Vaudin, Tarot, Wicca, Christianity, Islam, folklore.... there must be some truth to them. Some basis of reality that brings people to beleive.

There are too many traditional stories from too many corners of the world that have too many similarities for there to be no fact in them - no matter how small, or even microscopic that fact may be. There is some variation of almost wvery basic myth on almost every continent - stories that are so old that when they were first told there was, not only no contact between them, but no knowlege that they existed.

I'm rambling.

I just feel that there is something more. And, like the generations that have come before me, I want to know what that "more" is.

I want to believe that ghosts are real and magic is real and that there are creatures and gods and forces out there that we have absolutly no knowledge of.

But which ones do were beleive it? It is all well and good to say.... find religion - but which one?

I find it had to beleive that Christianity - one of the youngest religions is the way to go. I have nothing against the millions of people that do follow it - everyone needs something to beleive in.

But I still think there is something more.

Fun Times

I would have thought that in a university, that is FILLED with educated people, that there would some intellegence. But no. Here I am, trying to apply to graduate and they can't tell me my name right let alone if I have enough credits for both degrees. You do the papers that they tell you too and then they still turn around and tell you that you don't have enough credits.

The pink hood would have clashed with the gold anyway.

And I just KNOW that they are going to say the wrong name. Again.

Thats not even thinking about the shear fact that my parents will actually be in the same room as each other - a truely terrifying idea.

It's not as though having said degree (or two) is actually helping me find work at the moment.

Who decided all this was a good idea again? I'm sure I had said that I wanted to go to culinary school. Who did I let me talk into university?

Bark Twice for No

My mother brings up a very good point. Who would teach the dogs the language. Alot of dogs live alone so perhaps they would each have thier own "language" - like babies

Bark Once for Yes

Do dogs all speak the same language?

I was watching my dog today and a few houses down there was another dog going to town with the barking. But Misha, my dog, couldn't have seemed to care less, he just lay there in the sun drying off after his bath. Now what I want to know is, was the other dog just talking shit, or did Misha just not understand what he was saying? Could Misha understand the other dog clear as me to you and just not care what it saying or would it have been like if my neighbour started yelling in Chinese - I would be able to here him clear as day but not have a clue what was being said.

I know that they have the whole pack body language thing that they all do - like sniffing butts and sitting higher than the lessers. But that is universal - to us certain actions look the same no matter where we are after all - 'don't shoot, I'm not armed' looks much the same in any language, as do most greetings and signs of jobs well done. But do dogs, like people have different languages for different breeds? Do bichon's bark different words to labs?

I guess I shall never know...

Eyes

There is something watching me, but there is nobody here....

Grave Yards

Most people don't seem to appreciate the beauty that is a grave yard at night. The atmosphere becomes palpable, your senses heighten and suddenly everything becomes more real and more like a dream at the same time.

Now if only the photos come out.....