Elastic

Starting to feel a little as though I am made of rubber. There seems to be so many demands on my time and no where near enough hours in not only the day but the week in general. Always rushing, rushing, rushing, from one thing to the next. Never stopping, never ceasing, never allowing time to decompress and process the moments that have gone before... Need some me time - some writing time. Time to dedicate to my imaginary friends rather than the tangible real ones....as  unsocial as that may sound.

I love my friends dearly - I really do. They are more dear to me than my family. But the friends that live in my head need their moment to shine too.. especially if my list of things to achieve this year are going to come any where near finished...

Over stretched. I am extended out in so many directions that it will be a relief to be able to get back to my normal non-elastic shape. A serious case of fingers in too many pies.

There is a lesson for me to learn in this I think.

Facebook Part II

Oh how I hate to eat my words - but I get the feeling that I am going to have to on this particular topic...

...how disappointing.

Passing Tests with Jealousy Involved

I can now legally drive a motor vehicle all by myself. Sure I don't exactly have a car right at this moment - but that is a minor technicality. I have a drivers license. It is something that many (myself included some days) doubted would ever happen...

Well stuff all them.

I did it. And it is only a matter of time before I no longer have to rely on others to get to work, or buses on the way home. It is only a matter of time - a short amount of time at that before my working day will be shorter just by the shear omission of traveling time.

Oh that will be a good day. To have that escape mechanism at my fingertips.

Escape and freedom.

Freedom to catch up with old friends - no matter what their wives may have to say about it.

Jealousy is such an ugly emotion is it not? Especially when it is unfounded. It does do wonders to the ego however. There is just something about knowing that another is concerned about what you may do...

Though reading that last statement back, I realise that that sounds a little petty and cold. I don't mean it like that in the slightest. I have no designs whatsoever in interfering in anothers marriage - I am happy for him really - as long as he is happy. Sure, I can wish that I got along his new wife better, or that I had a chance to get to know her.. but that is the way that life flows. I can but be happy for my friends in their happiness and pick up the pieces in their sadness.

But there is nothing more to it than that. Perfectly innocent.

How often is that the case - that jealousy is completely unfounded and a waste of emotion. Probably quite often I would imagine. Which is a shame.

He Who Wishes to be Obeyed...

Now I know that it has been a couple of years since I wrote that paper on Niccolo Machiavelli's work "The Prince", but I know that I got an A for it so the information must still be in my brain somewhere...

He was a wise man that Machiavelli: "He who wished to be obeyed must know how to command"; "It is not titles that honour men, but men that honour titles"; and my personal favourite, "If an injury has to be done to a man it should be so severe that his vengeance need not be feared."

My memory may be failing me, but I'm pretty sure that there was no mention of a leader being so arrogant that they piss everyone off but not have the goods or the authoritativeness to back it up.

But perhaps I am just being over sensitive. Maybe the derisive tone that is used toward me after just two days doesn't really imply that a monkey could do my job and I deserve to be treated like an uneducated eight year old... maybe that's just the 24 year old with two degrees looking too far into something.

I doubt that though.

Not when everyone else picks up on it too. Not to mention receives similar tones themselves.

One would think that when starting in at a new job, one would learn the ropes slightly before stepping on your colleagues toes.... then, what do I know really - I'm just a baker... Oh for the legally required probationary period to be over... another month an a half and chances are I will have no tongue from biting it so much to stay quiet.

Though that does bring to mind another saying - though not Machiavelli this time. "Never bite the hand that feeds." Probably shouldn't piss off the baker if your going to eat food that comes from her kitchen for lunch. Especially when there is a chemist next door and the baker has a quick hand.

But maybe I judge too soon. We have all already agreed on two weeks. But if nothing has changed by then... Well we shall just have to keep record shan't we; after all, "before all else, be armed."

Gratitude

Ever since I was a child I have been the one responsible for the cooking, the cleaning and the yard work. I pay board and I care for the dog; my bills are payed on time, I don't over spend, I say please and thank you and am polite as a general rule. I am never late... okay so I swear - but never in front of customers, children or the elderly. I've never been arrested, I know the value of the dollar and I stand on the bus for those that need the seat more no matter how tired I am or how much I am carrying...

I have been independent and reluctant to accept charity since I was seven, and am not afraid to show thanks when I do accept help or a gift.

And yet somehow I am ungrateful?

I don't understand. Yes, I may come across a little selfish on here - but not ungrateful surly. Besides, its my blog - my venting space. Its allowed to be egocentric right?

Maybe I just shouldn't have let the brief period of the mother acting like a mother lull me into a false sense of security... I forgot how much the silence can hurt.

A word of advise - to anyone who cares - the silent treatment creates more wounds that run far deeper than any argument has a hope of achieving. Especially when coming from a parental figure.



Service to the Rich and Famous...

... okay, so maybe not the rich and famous in terms of Hollywood - but still, world famous in New Zealand at least. And defiantly not the type of person you expect in backwoods mall.

Made a nice little bright spot in an other wise nasty day.

I know celebrities are people too, but you cant help but get a little giddy - even if only on the inside - when you interact with them.

Growing Up is Always Optional

Time doesn't stop. It never has and it never will no matter what the human race as a whole has to say about the matter. Day comes after day; week after week; month after month; year after year... and as each one - week, month or year - passes, the next seems faster until lives seems like nothing more than blurs flying through the ether of the world.

And we age. We start as babies. Perfect clusters of cells and DNA that form a living being totally dependant on parents. Parents that mold and shape us into children. Children that sprout and rebel into teenagers. Teenagers that somehow survive to become adults that then start the shaping process with little people of their own....

The numbers on our ID cards get larger and larger. With any luck, the increase brings with it wisdom and maturity. But not always.

We get older. And there is absolutely nothing that we can do about it.

But growing up is always optional.

When it comes right down to it, age is just a number. All it is, is a visual representation in what every language you use to mark how many of a particular period that you have seen since leaving the warmth and security of your mother womb. That is all.

Pointless really in the grand scheme of things.

And yet for some reason, so much emphasis is place on it. Surly it is more important how we feel, deep inside where we secretly let ourselves be who we truly are.

I don't feel 24 in that tiny corner. In that tiny corner I don't feel at all - at least not in regards to age. I am merely me in that small warm, dry, safe space within.

I like that place. Maybe I should endeavour to grow it. In that place it doesn't matter about bills and jobs and houses and cars and responsibilities and associations and love and hate and judgment and rules...there is only me and I float on a beautiful tranquil cloud where everything is perfect...

Reading that back, it makes me sound like I have been smoking something that I possibly shouldn't have been - but I assure you that is not the case. Just feeling introspective. If I can understand what it is that makes that cloud so perfect, perhaps I can make it real and wont need to retreat to it so often in my mind.

Free Falling is Not as Fun With a Paracute

I am a coward.

That is all there is to it.

I never used to consider my self as such. But I am.

I met a guy in a bar last night. We danced, we did the things that people taken by drink do when on a crowded, darkened, nightclub floor. We kissed, we groped and yet all I could think about was someone else. There was no losing myself to the moment - don't get me wrong, it was enjoyable - but it lacked that amazingly pleasurable free fall that often comes with ignoring everything both around and inside yourself and giving everything freely to the mere sensation that another is creating under the thin surface of your skin.

I missed that. And for what? A distance pipe dream that I know I am unlikely to ever do anything about?

What. A. Waste.

But this other guy, he is my best friend. The best man - beyond my father - that I know, or have ever known (and possibly ever will as well). He says the most amazing things to me - how could I not have feelings for him? And how could I possibly risk losing it all by rocking the boat?

Can't take a chance but then again, how long can I live like this? Its not healthy - it cant be. And with all the other not so healthy things that fill my life, I probably shouldn't add another.

Valentine's Day is coming up - I see all the adverts for it already up as I walk through the mall where I work. Perhaps I could be horribly cliche and go against everything I have ever said in the past about that Hallmark Holiday and send out some feelers. Tendrils of an idea wouldn't rock the boat - it would be more like a gentle rise and fall that would barley cause a shift in weight.

Yes, that seems like a good idea. I'll do that. I'll add it into the list of things to do. That particular list seems to grow longer as the number of days a week I work increases. But its probably more likely to be that I have less time to try and finish the to do list.

But the money is good to have. Especially when I need it at the moment to buy a car and fork out for bond and rent in advance and what ever furniture and other necessities are needed - like pots and pans. Not to mention driving tests and all the associated costs.

No, defiantly a good time to be getting the extra pay.

Just a shame there are not more hours in a day - but I know that I am no where near close to being the first person to ever think that. It no doubt has been a catch cry for centuries. But it will settle down in no time. If for no other reason than I wont have the same disposable income once the bills start mounting up.

If nothing else can be said in the positive column for bills, they certainly can slow down life.



Facebook

I don't see the point in Facebook.

I have not joined up, nor do I have any intention of joining up and yet people still ask me when I will do so. But the simple reply of 'never' seems to always gain argument.

I just don't see the point in it. It is not as though there is any shortage of ways for people to get hold of me. I have two email addresses, a blog, various websites that I am a member of, a mobile phone, a home phone, instant messenger, a work place in a public locale..... why on earth does another thing have to be added to the list?

Sure you can spy in on what people from your past are doing - but they are people from the past. Obviously they became such for a reason other wise they would still be in ones life. And if people are far away and wanting to keep in touch well there is email.... or heaven forbid a good old fashioned snail mail letter or post card.

Do people even still remember what they are??

Oh how times change.

Driving Round Abouts

It is official. Round-abouts are the bain of my existence. I hate them - I detest them even. They are evil and should be wiped from the face of the planet.

I'm liking my driving lessons until I have to go round those damn things. I vote we replace them all with traffic lights. That seems like a good idea to me.

Parallel parking - bring it on; car parks, motorways, open roads in gale force winds - I am so on it. But round abouts.... well you get the point....

It will be great to not have to be a burden on every one around me once I am let loose on the roads though. To be able to drive myself to and from work - if nothing else it will make my work day shorter. Not that that is a particularly big worry to me. Now that I am used to the new job and new aspect of working full time the days don't seem particularly long.

If only my words would come back. I miss them.

Happy New Year

Twelve hours into a new year - into 2011 - and I have learned a very valuable lesson (and one that I never wanted to come): I am getting too old to pull off the sleepless stretches of more than 24 hours with the same ease as I used to be able to. It saddens me to admit that I actually am starting to need sleep - but there is the truth. Long gone, it would seem, are the days of getting by with power naps in between long stretches.

Ahh well.

And I guess no matter my protestations, it was bound to happen. As someone pointed out to me last night, I and the majority of my friends have lived to see four different decades now. We may only be in our 20's but the very idea of having seen four separate decades - four separate periods of history (the 80's, 90's, Naughties and now) - is kind aging on ones mind.

But that's a part of life is in not?

Plus I probably wouldn't have noticed as much if the sun had actually rose, rather than being covered by clouds to create no more than a general lightning of the sky. It was slightly anti climatic - especially when I woke up a few hours after I finally slept to find brilliant blue sky and the sun streaming in my window.

Talk about Murphy's Law.

Done is done however, and that is an item crossed off the formidable list. A good feeling by any standard. Now onward  with the rest.

And onward with the sleep. I was going to finish my spring cleaning, but maybe I'll go back to bed instead.