Free Falling is Not as Fun With a Paracute

I am a coward.

That is all there is to it.

I never used to consider my self as such. But I am.

I met a guy in a bar last night. We danced, we did the things that people taken by drink do when on a crowded, darkened, nightclub floor. We kissed, we groped and yet all I could think about was someone else. There was no losing myself to the moment - don't get me wrong, it was enjoyable - but it lacked that amazingly pleasurable free fall that often comes with ignoring everything both around and inside yourself and giving everything freely to the mere sensation that another is creating under the thin surface of your skin.

I missed that. And for what? A distance pipe dream that I know I am unlikely to ever do anything about?

What. A. Waste.

But this other guy, he is my best friend. The best man - beyond my father - that I know, or have ever known (and possibly ever will as well). He says the most amazing things to me - how could I not have feelings for him? And how could I possibly risk losing it all by rocking the boat?

Can't take a chance but then again, how long can I live like this? Its not healthy - it cant be. And with all the other not so healthy things that fill my life, I probably shouldn't add another.

Valentine's Day is coming up - I see all the adverts for it already up as I walk through the mall where I work. Perhaps I could be horribly cliche and go against everything I have ever said in the past about that Hallmark Holiday and send out some feelers. Tendrils of an idea wouldn't rock the boat - it would be more like a gentle rise and fall that would barley cause a shift in weight.

Yes, that seems like a good idea. I'll do that. I'll add it into the list of things to do. That particular list seems to grow longer as the number of days a week I work increases. But its probably more likely to be that I have less time to try and finish the to do list.

But the money is good to have. Especially when I need it at the moment to buy a car and fork out for bond and rent in advance and what ever furniture and other necessities are needed - like pots and pans. Not to mention driving tests and all the associated costs.

No, defiantly a good time to be getting the extra pay.

Just a shame there are not more hours in a day - but I know that I am no where near close to being the first person to ever think that. It no doubt has been a catch cry for centuries. But it will settle down in no time. If for no other reason than I wont have the same disposable income once the bills start mounting up.

If nothing else can be said in the positive column for bills, they certainly can slow down life.