The Ex Factor

You never forget your first. That is a well known adage. And it is true for the most part. The first of no matter what you are doing is a very special and important thing; your first birthday, first word, first steps, first day of school. Your first boyfriend, first kiss, first lover....

All of them become ingrained in memory - some in yours, some in your parents. But all of them shape who you are and who you become.

Generally though, such past firsts stay in just that very place - the past. Maybe that is easier in some aspects. We can glorify them, remembering only the good; the warmth of the feelings of being desired and loved, the intense new sensations of a first kiss rather than the inexperienced fumblings... And that past through rose coloured glass can be good - who wants to remember the bad any way.

But what of when the past doesn't stay in its correct place. What of an ex that you are still in contact with? Some relationships end amicably - I don't mean those ones. Where both parties have agree that they are better without each other than with then I see no reason why some form of friendship can't still be salvaged. No, I mean the average run of the mill break ups where one person decides to leave. What of when those ones still result in periodic communication. Even if it is just something as simple as the occasional 'hey how are ya?'

It is hard to glorify the good of past firsts when the pain of the resulting negatives still reappears from time to time.

There is and always will be that tiny thought that flits through the mind. That one teeny illogical 'what if' that the rest of the brain wants to ignore; wants to argue 'but we are over this and have been for a long time'. And any other day of the week, that larger logical part would win. Its no mistake that I am better of without that particular flavour of person in my life. But every now and then.....

I guess the only thing to do is shake it off. Kids and wives are hard accessories to ignore, but indifference toward the guy can work a treat.

Besides which, celebration is caused for. The end is in sight - I can see it. I'm down to four-digit numbers to reach the monthly word goal. Less than 8,000 and I would have reached 50K. It truly is a feeling that both makes larger and lightens the spirit. And yes, it could be argued that I am using writing as a substitute for all the things in my life at the moment that I cant control. But I am - so what? I am doing well and what harm can feeling good about myself do?