Time

I am sitting here, on the couch, in my lounge, looking out of the open door at the rain falling on the street below. It falls from the deep grey sky and coats and soaks everything - indiscriminately. And though its cold, its not as cold as it should be in May - end of May with only six days left till June....

It seems the year is passing by with little to show for it sometimes. And yet so much has happened.

Exactly three months now since I have slept the night through. Its not the getting to sleep that is the problem - its the staying asleep. And unlike the last time that I had a sleeping problem, I am doing a rather physical job five days of the week. I am starting to feel the strain. You would think that given how tired I am starting to feel that I am up half the night and have plenty of time for hobbies and writing and such. but I only ever wake up for long enough to register that I am awake.

Its just all so disjointed.

Three days off this week though, so time to spend on me. Time to find the track and get back on it once more.

ANZAC Spirit

They will not grow old, as we that are left grow old

Age will not weary them, nor the years condemn

At the going down of the sun, and in the morning

We will remember them

April 25 once again, and another chance to remember all the fallen. It seemed to have added meaning this year with the usual premises still behind cordon bars and forced to move to Hagley Park. So many memorials have been attended in that very spot over the last six months - its added a little something extra to the dawn one this morning.

The Governor-General running late and making the veterans wait in the cold light of a rainy morning didn't really set a good example mind you. But that's the people at the top isn't it?

Besides, if nothing, it took my mind off f everything else for a short while. Thoughts of broken promises and declarations. Of telling people that you love them to have them admit the same of you - and yet nothing changes.

Well maybe not nothing - the knowledge is there and there is a visit planned. But that is hardly the same of being wrapped up in strong protective arms and knowing that you never have to worry and never have to fear ever again, is it?

Maybe I ask for too much. No one has ever looked after me before. I've managed fine for 24 years, why do I need someone now. And I'm sure that the soldiers that died stationed far from home had people that cared for them - it didn't do them any good did it? They still fell victim to battles that never really needed to happen.

But the human race is a brutal breed. War will not disappear anytime soon, so we will continue to gather at dawn once a year to thank those that are forced to fight and die.

Letters

I did it. I finally grew a set and admitted to my best friend that whenever I think of the future and marriage and children and love that he is the one right there beside me.

I - the emotional cripple and chicken shit extraordinaire - actually admitted my feelings and emotions to another human being. What is the world coming to?

Sure, it was written down and posted in a letter - but that still counts.

I only hope this doesn't backfire on me.

Sightseeing

Its days like today that one has to stop and wonder about the mental stability of an entire generation of Cantabrians. Ours entire lives and foundations have been uprooted, chewed up and spat back out - counseling for a good many probably is not a bad idea.

I watched an iconic building get torn down today. I stood mere metres away as diggers tore at its core and brought it crashing down. I felt the reverberations through my feet from brick after brick and wall after wall being erased from all but memory. It was a strangely moving sight, the Carlton Hotel slowly getting smaller and small as the night grew dark and colder. And then to drive through the city (or at least the parts of the city that you are actually able to drive through without being arrested)....eerie; incredibly surreal.

I don't think that it is even able to be processed by the average human mind, what total cost this event has had on out environment.

I feel that I am coping but I am removed. Yes, counseling for a good many would probably be beneficial. Not everyone can watch a building be brought down after all.

Mood Swings in the Aftermath of Disaster

Six odd weeks later and not only is it the landscape that has dramatically changed, but the people as well. I feel different - I know that I have said this before. And it only stands to reason that if I feel so intrinsically altered, then others around me are also new and "improved".

That is to be expected of course. No one could go through what has been happening around us and remain the same. But not all change is good. I, for example no longer have patience for things that I consider a waste of time. Panic, hysteria, needless worry, pessimism, negativity.... these have all been placed firmly in my "bad" basket and anyone indulging in them is now automatically disqualified from my good graces. I never used to be that quick to snap I swear.

My flat mate it would seem has a similar alteration of personality. Only hers comes in the form of what can only be described as bipolar mood swings. I understand that things are different now - I really do. And after having the flat to myself for the better part of six weeks I knew that there would need to be adjustments made. But I am not a mind reader - I never have been. If I didn't develop that particular skill growing up with my mother then I am unlikely to develop it now.

The silent treatment is also in my "bad" basket. It has always annoyed me but I used to be able to ignore it. Not anymore it would seem.

There is just something incredibly immature about not saying what is the problem. How can it be fixed if the offending parties are completely in the dark about anything other than your general irritability?

Ahh well, maybe time is the only thing that it needs. Time one way or another seems to solve everything. Either it will calm down or I will snap. Both options will provide an end - for good or for ill.

Until then I shall prepair for Easter. Making my own eggs this year - the moulds arrived yesterday. Its all very exciting. I am sure that there will be disasters and messes - but that is half the fun of trying something new is it not? Hot Cross Buns and home made eggs - who wouldn't want that as a gift come Easter weekend. And now that the road trip that had been planned has been canceled, there is more time for playing Easter bunny.

Might even make the dog an Easter treat. Poor little thing is injured and all the way over the other side of town with my Mum... this must be how our parents feel when we grow up.

Alone vs. Together

I don't know which is worse anymore. Being and alone or being with people. Being alone does make the day seem longer but people affect the way you react to things - aftershocks in particular. If the people around you panic in a large one, I find myself also panicking. Something that does not happen as much when I am by myself.

Maybe if I could find other people that don't panic it would be different. They don't panic at work and that always seems so much more bearable that being around my friends. Though that is slightly worrying isn't it? When work - in all its manic busy glory - is more calming that being with those that you care for.

Survival of the Fittest

Survival is a funny thing. You can register that you are alive; you can comprehend that the people around you are alive; you can even understand - to a point - that people in their multitudes have died, but because you and those around you are plodding along (or racing as the case may be) step by step in a direction that is relatively normal, the peoples deaths seem remote.

Foggy - through a haze as though what you lived through was something different and separate and not quite so bad as what claimed them.

And then upon reflection, in the quiet moments when you are by yourself, you realise that its not, that its all the same.

Many through out time have said that living is harder than dying. And it is true I'd imagine. But that makes it somewhat more worthwhile.

I lived; I survived along side many, many thousands of others. It would be somehow dishonouring those strangers that were not so fortunate to not make the most of that gift.

Back to Basics

Back to the flat and back to having no Internet.

And also no longer a flat mate, or stable ground...

But back to having my life back again. Or at least starting to.

It's Just Not Fair

I know, I know, "it's not fair" is the international catch cry of moping teenagers the world over. But in this case I think it is a little justified. Christchurch had just began to move of from the devastation of September the fourth - had just got to a point where people and life was functioning pretty damn close to normal when we are hit again.

And not just hit again - no, we have had enough large aftershocks in the last six month....

People are dead. People are missing. People are injured. Homes are destroyed. The centre of the city is nothing more than rubble and brick dust and blood.

They say that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger - and while I don't feel particular stronger, in fact I feel weaker (but that could be with the whole over working and not eating thing) - I do feel changed. intrinsically changed. A loss of innocence that strikes right down to the core. And I may have said that last time, this time it seems far more profound, far more intrusive and far further reaching.

It will be interesting to see how people around me (and myself) evolve as a result of this disaster.

Enough is enough now Mother Nature. Christchurch has had everything thrown at it now. 2011 was supposed to be a better year.

Moving On and Up in the World

Moving day tomorrow.

I'm excited. I'm sure everyone around me is sick of hearing about it but tough. It will be absolutely fantastic - less of a commute, less traffic, time finally to myself again... defiantly looking forward to it.

And who knows - maybe not having Internet for a few weeks will do me some good too....

Baking Outside of the Workplace

Baking food is all well and good - tasty treats that are the money earner for any baker worth his or her own salt. But when the temperature outside is hot enough to cause the people to bake its a little much. Yes, I know that it gets alot hotter in other parts of the world - but I don't live in those parts now do I?

36 degrees is far far too hot for this poppit.

It is not too hot for flat hunting though. Apparently the reverse is actually true. Its actually perfect. Perfect enough to get a great little two-bedroom in a prime location for the right price.

Car and a home in three days or less - that's the way to do it. Now to aim for the trifecta and get a man in the next week. That could be pushing it a little mind you. Luck can only hang in there for so long can't it. Especially considering.....well no, lets not go there - I'm in too good a mood to even think about that one aspect of my life. Since all the other tiles are falling into place I think I can afford to have the blinkers on for that particular one. At least for a little while longer anyway.

Car and a house. So excited, so very excited. Best part is there is no hanging around to wait for possession - we can have it within the week if we so wish.

I knew this year would be better.

Outside In

Ever feel like you are watching your own life as if it was someone else's? Its a trippy feeling. It can make you extraordinarily judgmental.

I don't think its a good idea really

Motoring Along the Highway of Life

I have always claimed that growing up is optional - that we don't need to place as much emphasis on age. But there are certain things that age us slightly - rights of passage on the path to adulthood. It is the same in many different cultures the world over; various tasks and quests and journeys that the young must undertake.... sure those in the Western World are far less dangerous and dramatic but they are there all the same.

Peter Pan was always a favourite of mine growing up. The idea that we could stay young and innocent indefinitely appealed. Maybe it was just that, coming from a broken home, my own innocence was banished far to early only to be replaced by cynicism as I was forced to become independent at age seven. I have always read to escape real life after all - if you are going to loose yourself then why not do it all the way in some fantastical tale...

Unfortunately though, Tinkerbell is not real and there is no magical fairy dust to make us fly to where ever the winds take us on the way to the second star on the right. Four wheels are more customary.

And so I bought my first car. Yes, it is many years after everyone else my age, but that said - I never had any trouble getting places until the earth started shaking things up and I started working at oh-god-its-early o'clock. Regardless, I bought my first car and am incredibly excited about it. Yes, It'll get me to work where the hypocrite lives, but that is a minor inconvenience - besides, I've already decided how I'm going to deal with her.

Everyone has their pet hates and their own morals and all the bells and whistles that go along those lines. Just because one person grates against everything I am doesn't mean that I should let it get to me. Especially when I am not alone in my opinions. The workplace is full of them. And one against six is hardly good odds. As long as my own behaviour is above reproach and I keep a log of all wrong doings, the day to day trials can be viewed with a slight humour I think.

Or at least that's the theory - we shall have to test it out.

At least if it fails there is currently no car stereo to interrupt theory-plotting time...

Elastic

Starting to feel a little as though I am made of rubber. There seems to be so many demands on my time and no where near enough hours in not only the day but the week in general. Always rushing, rushing, rushing, from one thing to the next. Never stopping, never ceasing, never allowing time to decompress and process the moments that have gone before... Need some me time - some writing time. Time to dedicate to my imaginary friends rather than the tangible real ones....as  unsocial as that may sound.

I love my friends dearly - I really do. They are more dear to me than my family. But the friends that live in my head need their moment to shine too.. especially if my list of things to achieve this year are going to come any where near finished...

Over stretched. I am extended out in so many directions that it will be a relief to be able to get back to my normal non-elastic shape. A serious case of fingers in too many pies.

There is a lesson for me to learn in this I think.

Facebook Part II

Oh how I hate to eat my words - but I get the feeling that I am going to have to on this particular topic...

...how disappointing.

Passing Tests with Jealousy Involved

I can now legally drive a motor vehicle all by myself. Sure I don't exactly have a car right at this moment - but that is a minor technicality. I have a drivers license. It is something that many (myself included some days) doubted would ever happen...

Well stuff all them.

I did it. And it is only a matter of time before I no longer have to rely on others to get to work, or buses on the way home. It is only a matter of time - a short amount of time at that before my working day will be shorter just by the shear omission of traveling time.

Oh that will be a good day. To have that escape mechanism at my fingertips.

Escape and freedom.

Freedom to catch up with old friends - no matter what their wives may have to say about it.

Jealousy is such an ugly emotion is it not? Especially when it is unfounded. It does do wonders to the ego however. There is just something about knowing that another is concerned about what you may do...

Though reading that last statement back, I realise that that sounds a little petty and cold. I don't mean it like that in the slightest. I have no designs whatsoever in interfering in anothers marriage - I am happy for him really - as long as he is happy. Sure, I can wish that I got along his new wife better, or that I had a chance to get to know her.. but that is the way that life flows. I can but be happy for my friends in their happiness and pick up the pieces in their sadness.

But there is nothing more to it than that. Perfectly innocent.

How often is that the case - that jealousy is completely unfounded and a waste of emotion. Probably quite often I would imagine. Which is a shame.

He Who Wishes to be Obeyed...

Now I know that it has been a couple of years since I wrote that paper on Niccolo Machiavelli's work "The Prince", but I know that I got an A for it so the information must still be in my brain somewhere...

He was a wise man that Machiavelli: "He who wished to be obeyed must know how to command"; "It is not titles that honour men, but men that honour titles"; and my personal favourite, "If an injury has to be done to a man it should be so severe that his vengeance need not be feared."

My memory may be failing me, but I'm pretty sure that there was no mention of a leader being so arrogant that they piss everyone off but not have the goods or the authoritativeness to back it up.

But perhaps I am just being over sensitive. Maybe the derisive tone that is used toward me after just two days doesn't really imply that a monkey could do my job and I deserve to be treated like an uneducated eight year old... maybe that's just the 24 year old with two degrees looking too far into something.

I doubt that though.

Not when everyone else picks up on it too. Not to mention receives similar tones themselves.

One would think that when starting in at a new job, one would learn the ropes slightly before stepping on your colleagues toes.... then, what do I know really - I'm just a baker... Oh for the legally required probationary period to be over... another month an a half and chances are I will have no tongue from biting it so much to stay quiet.

Though that does bring to mind another saying - though not Machiavelli this time. "Never bite the hand that feeds." Probably shouldn't piss off the baker if your going to eat food that comes from her kitchen for lunch. Especially when there is a chemist next door and the baker has a quick hand.

But maybe I judge too soon. We have all already agreed on two weeks. But if nothing has changed by then... Well we shall just have to keep record shan't we; after all, "before all else, be armed."

Gratitude

Ever since I was a child I have been the one responsible for the cooking, the cleaning and the yard work. I pay board and I care for the dog; my bills are payed on time, I don't over spend, I say please and thank you and am polite as a general rule. I am never late... okay so I swear - but never in front of customers, children or the elderly. I've never been arrested, I know the value of the dollar and I stand on the bus for those that need the seat more no matter how tired I am or how much I am carrying...

I have been independent and reluctant to accept charity since I was seven, and am not afraid to show thanks when I do accept help or a gift.

And yet somehow I am ungrateful?

I don't understand. Yes, I may come across a little selfish on here - but not ungrateful surly. Besides, its my blog - my venting space. Its allowed to be egocentric right?

Maybe I just shouldn't have let the brief period of the mother acting like a mother lull me into a false sense of security... I forgot how much the silence can hurt.

A word of advise - to anyone who cares - the silent treatment creates more wounds that run far deeper than any argument has a hope of achieving. Especially when coming from a parental figure.



Service to the Rich and Famous...

... okay, so maybe not the rich and famous in terms of Hollywood - but still, world famous in New Zealand at least. And defiantly not the type of person you expect in backwoods mall.

Made a nice little bright spot in an other wise nasty day.

I know celebrities are people too, but you cant help but get a little giddy - even if only on the inside - when you interact with them.

Growing Up is Always Optional

Time doesn't stop. It never has and it never will no matter what the human race as a whole has to say about the matter. Day comes after day; week after week; month after month; year after year... and as each one - week, month or year - passes, the next seems faster until lives seems like nothing more than blurs flying through the ether of the world.

And we age. We start as babies. Perfect clusters of cells and DNA that form a living being totally dependant on parents. Parents that mold and shape us into children. Children that sprout and rebel into teenagers. Teenagers that somehow survive to become adults that then start the shaping process with little people of their own....

The numbers on our ID cards get larger and larger. With any luck, the increase brings with it wisdom and maturity. But not always.

We get older. And there is absolutely nothing that we can do about it.

But growing up is always optional.

When it comes right down to it, age is just a number. All it is, is a visual representation in what every language you use to mark how many of a particular period that you have seen since leaving the warmth and security of your mother womb. That is all.

Pointless really in the grand scheme of things.

And yet for some reason, so much emphasis is place on it. Surly it is more important how we feel, deep inside where we secretly let ourselves be who we truly are.

I don't feel 24 in that tiny corner. In that tiny corner I don't feel at all - at least not in regards to age. I am merely me in that small warm, dry, safe space within.

I like that place. Maybe I should endeavour to grow it. In that place it doesn't matter about bills and jobs and houses and cars and responsibilities and associations and love and hate and judgment and rules...there is only me and I float on a beautiful tranquil cloud where everything is perfect...

Reading that back, it makes me sound like I have been smoking something that I possibly shouldn't have been - but I assure you that is not the case. Just feeling introspective. If I can understand what it is that makes that cloud so perfect, perhaps I can make it real and wont need to retreat to it so often in my mind.

Free Falling is Not as Fun With a Paracute

I am a coward.

That is all there is to it.

I never used to consider my self as such. But I am.

I met a guy in a bar last night. We danced, we did the things that people taken by drink do when on a crowded, darkened, nightclub floor. We kissed, we groped and yet all I could think about was someone else. There was no losing myself to the moment - don't get me wrong, it was enjoyable - but it lacked that amazingly pleasurable free fall that often comes with ignoring everything both around and inside yourself and giving everything freely to the mere sensation that another is creating under the thin surface of your skin.

I missed that. And for what? A distance pipe dream that I know I am unlikely to ever do anything about?

What. A. Waste.

But this other guy, he is my best friend. The best man - beyond my father - that I know, or have ever known (and possibly ever will as well). He says the most amazing things to me - how could I not have feelings for him? And how could I possibly risk losing it all by rocking the boat?

Can't take a chance but then again, how long can I live like this? Its not healthy - it cant be. And with all the other not so healthy things that fill my life, I probably shouldn't add another.

Valentine's Day is coming up - I see all the adverts for it already up as I walk through the mall where I work. Perhaps I could be horribly cliche and go against everything I have ever said in the past about that Hallmark Holiday and send out some feelers. Tendrils of an idea wouldn't rock the boat - it would be more like a gentle rise and fall that would barley cause a shift in weight.

Yes, that seems like a good idea. I'll do that. I'll add it into the list of things to do. That particular list seems to grow longer as the number of days a week I work increases. But its probably more likely to be that I have less time to try and finish the to do list.

But the money is good to have. Especially when I need it at the moment to buy a car and fork out for bond and rent in advance and what ever furniture and other necessities are needed - like pots and pans. Not to mention driving tests and all the associated costs.

No, defiantly a good time to be getting the extra pay.

Just a shame there are not more hours in a day - but I know that I am no where near close to being the first person to ever think that. It no doubt has been a catch cry for centuries. But it will settle down in no time. If for no other reason than I wont have the same disposable income once the bills start mounting up.

If nothing else can be said in the positive column for bills, they certainly can slow down life.



Facebook

I don't see the point in Facebook.

I have not joined up, nor do I have any intention of joining up and yet people still ask me when I will do so. But the simple reply of 'never' seems to always gain argument.

I just don't see the point in it. It is not as though there is any shortage of ways for people to get hold of me. I have two email addresses, a blog, various websites that I am a member of, a mobile phone, a home phone, instant messenger, a work place in a public locale..... why on earth does another thing have to be added to the list?

Sure you can spy in on what people from your past are doing - but they are people from the past. Obviously they became such for a reason other wise they would still be in ones life. And if people are far away and wanting to keep in touch well there is email.... or heaven forbid a good old fashioned snail mail letter or post card.

Do people even still remember what they are??

Oh how times change.

Driving Round Abouts

It is official. Round-abouts are the bain of my existence. I hate them - I detest them even. They are evil and should be wiped from the face of the planet.

I'm liking my driving lessons until I have to go round those damn things. I vote we replace them all with traffic lights. That seems like a good idea to me.

Parallel parking - bring it on; car parks, motorways, open roads in gale force winds - I am so on it. But round abouts.... well you get the point....

It will be great to not have to be a burden on every one around me once I am let loose on the roads though. To be able to drive myself to and from work - if nothing else it will make my work day shorter. Not that that is a particularly big worry to me. Now that I am used to the new job and new aspect of working full time the days don't seem particularly long.

If only my words would come back. I miss them.

Happy New Year

Twelve hours into a new year - into 2011 - and I have learned a very valuable lesson (and one that I never wanted to come): I am getting too old to pull off the sleepless stretches of more than 24 hours with the same ease as I used to be able to. It saddens me to admit that I actually am starting to need sleep - but there is the truth. Long gone, it would seem, are the days of getting by with power naps in between long stretches.

Ahh well.

And I guess no matter my protestations, it was bound to happen. As someone pointed out to me last night, I and the majority of my friends have lived to see four different decades now. We may only be in our 20's but the very idea of having seen four separate decades - four separate periods of history (the 80's, 90's, Naughties and now) - is kind aging on ones mind.

But that's a part of life is in not?

Plus I probably wouldn't have noticed as much if the sun had actually rose, rather than being covered by clouds to create no more than a general lightning of the sky. It was slightly anti climatic - especially when I woke up a few hours after I finally slept to find brilliant blue sky and the sun streaming in my window.

Talk about Murphy's Law.

Done is done however, and that is an item crossed off the formidable list. A good feeling by any standard. Now onward  with the rest.

And onward with the sleep. I was going to finish my spring cleaning, but maybe I'll go back to bed instead.